What I’ve learned after losing a parent at a young age

One day, someone asked me whether I was a mommy’s girl or a daddy’s girl. I said daddy’s girl. They said “oh no I’m a mommy’s girl at heart. I could never imagine losing my mother. I wouldn’t know what to do if she were to pass away”.

Losing a parent isn’t easy

She didn’t know my mother had passed  at that time almost 10 years ago. At first I wasn’t going to tell her. The pride in her voice that she was a mommy’s girl resonated so loud to me. If I was to tell her mine passed away when I was a teen, I felt it would dampen her interpretation of reality. But I told her anyway. With despair, she said sorry. After that, we never had a conversation about my mother or anything about being a mommy’s girl or daddy’s girl again.

The reason why I said daddy’s girl wasn’t because I didn’t have a close relationship with my mother. My mother and I were extremely close. My closeness to each parent was just different.

As my family marks the 17th year my mother passed away, the reason why I said daddy’s girl reverberates so loudly for me today. I have now known my father longer than my mother. What I mean is, I have been able to create more memories with my father. That shared experienced with my mother dissipated when she passed. At least, in the physical sense.

My mother had Lupus also known as SLE and she was one of the most resilient person’s I knew. My mother never wanted people to feel sorry for her. As she made friends, she often didn’t tell them she had Lupus. My younger brother and I didn’t know she had this chronic illness until her last days on earth. My mother didn’t want us to worry. She just wanted to live and that she did to the fullest.

My mother’s mission in life

My mother attended Howard University primarily. She finished at Monmouth College (now Monmouth University), graduating with a bachelor’s degree in accounting. She would go on to be an accountant for the federal government until she had to retire early because the complications from Lupus began to worsen. My mother was devastated because she loved to work and loved the people she worked with; but she knew her health was more important.

About a year after her retirement, my mother got “glamour pictures” made at the local mall. I’m about to say my age, lol, but growing up there were places where you could dress up in fancy clothing, get “glamoured up”, and have your pictures taken.

I remember one day walking in the mall with my mother and we saw the place. She inquired about the pictures and said to me she was going to get them done. I thought she was joking. She wasn’t though because a week later, she came home with the pictures.

It was single pictures of herself and she had them all framed. The bigger ones she put around the house and the smaller ones she gave to myself, my brother, and sat one on the living room table. I remember when she came in my room and gave me the picture. I said to her “why is the picture only of yourself?”. She said so I can always have something to remember her by. I thought it was so strange. But I didn’t question her anymore. I heard her go to my brother’s room, who was 8 years old at the time, and overheard her tell him a similar thing. About a year later, she would have a massive stroke and six months after that, pass away at 41 years old from the stroke complications by having a heart attack at home.

My mother knew that her time on earth was limited. She knew she was going to transition and she was preparing us. She prepared us first with the Christian foundation that she instilled in us. We always knew that no matter what, to always pray and to look to God. I also knew she was preparing specifically me, the oldest.

When I was about 9 years old,  a classmate of mine mother passed away. I remember my mother coming to talk to me about it and said sometimes God has a bigger plan and calls us to come home. I remember very vividly saying to my mother I wouldn’t have to worry about that ever happening because you’ll be here forever. But my mother knew there wasn’t always a forever.

The way I could describe my childhood was pure innocence. I would look at other peers’ parents or situations and say that would never happen to me. That was ultimately what I was saying when my classmate’s mother had passed away: that it would never happen to me. I say innocence because I just wanted to remain a child and never have to worry about those things. But at 14 years old, two weeks before I was to start my sophomore year of high school, I was now faced with that reality. For the rest of my life, I would learn what it’s like to lose a parent at a young age.

Losing a parent : Very few could relate to me

I became very reserved and quiet after the death of my mother. I didn’t notice it then, but now as an adult, I look back on my experience and realized her death really took a toll on me. The reason being is because there were very few people that understood what I was going through.

On the first day of school, very few people knew my mother had passed away. Many saw the changes in me. People saw me as “too quiet”, but in reality I was simply hurting. The rest of my years in high school I felt like an outcast.

For those who did know of my mother’s passing, their parents were still here. They couldn’t relate me. Our conversations were awkward. I hated my time in high school because of it. I breezed through, graduated with honors and tried to move on, in a new environment.

Once I got in my mid-20s, I found more people that could relate to me but at that point they were just losing their parents. I had already lost my mother years prior.

I didn’t grieve intensely when she first passed away but I did later

When my mother first passed away, I did not grieve intensely. I didn’t immediately understand why, but I do know I was very upset of her passing. I learned later that everyone processes their emotions differently. The only explanation I had was, immediately after the death of my mother, I felt I had to step up in a big way, especially for my younger brother. It wasn’t until I was an adult and things calmed down more within my family dynamics that it hit me that my mother was no longer here.

It is now as an adult as I watch my friends and peers get married, have babies, graduate from college and their mothers are there, that my grief intensifies.

My mother is now a grandmother and she will never experience that physically. I plan to get married one day. She will not be there physically. I can admit sometimes when I think about it, I hurt bad internally. But one thing that my family instilled in me at a young age was the foundation of having faith and believing in God. I know God’s plan for my mother was bigger there than here on earth. I no longer think selfishly.

I hate when people complain about their parents

One time I witnessed someone on social media saying really negative things about their mother. While I didn’t know their situation, it still enraged me. Here you are talking about the things you and your mother can’t agree on and there are many people like me who have lost their parent(s) at a young age. I always tell people to appreciate your loved ones now while you have the pleasure of having them. No argument is worth losing that relationship and situations can be mended.

Losing a parent: I learned who’s real

The death of my mother allowed me to learn very quickly who was real. The ability to be there for someone in their time of need is something I respect and admire greatly in a person. It was the support of my few friends and family that showed me the importance of loyalty and true compassion.

Unfortunately, many can’t handle that type of tragedy and will walk away from you. But I was appreciative of the friends and family who were there for me to help me during the process.

Holidays and life events are never the same

After the death of my maternal grandmother, who was the glue that held my family together, holidays were never the same. But once my mother had passed away, that overall emotion was intensified to another level.

My mother died in August and the holidays were approaching shortly after that. My father’s family wanted to have Christmas at our home that year. My mother absolutely loved Christmas time. I can remember helping my mother decorate the house and she would blast the Jackson Five Christmas CD, singing along with her incredible voice. Boy, those were fun and memorable times.

I know my family meant well to provide comfort but it proved to be a hard time for us. We had smiles on our faces but deep down inside the reality was clear that our mother and for my father, his wife, was no longer here. Thereafter, holiday’s have never been the same.

There are people who haven’t experienced it and won’t get it. And that’s okay.

At first, I was upset at that person who said “I’m a mommy’s girl. I don’t know what I would do without her”.

I used to hold grudges against the people I thought should have been there for me after my mother passed away but weren’t. I used to have a lot of bitterness in my heart. Over time, I had a clearer understanding they couldn’t comprehend what it’s like to lose a parent at a young age and that’s okay.

My family bonds became stronger

Before the death of my mother, I was always a daddy’s girl but after her death our bond became stronger. Naturally, I gravitated towards my father more as a child because he always introduced me to interesting technological things (I was a nerd, lol) and he taught me A LOT about race relations, black history, and generally just life. My mother taught me to never take any mess from anyone. If I told her someone was making fun of me, she would give me jokes to say something back, lol. My bonds to each were different.

My brother and I suffered greatly because of the death of our mother and for my dad, his wife/best friend. Because of it, it made our family bond stronger through the trials and tribulations that we faced afterwards.

Knowing my parents story has given me a greater appreciation of love and life, and I wholeheartedly appreciate the man my father is. I wouldn’t trade my father or my brother for anyone else in the world.

Lastly, I learned to live life

Looking back on how my mother lived until her death gave me a greater appreciation on life now. My mother never let her illness stop her. Within her 41 years on earth, she did more than people that have lived 40 plus years more than her.

I know my mother would never want my brother and I to be sad and to live our lives. If my mother was alive today, I can hear her telling me “Chenelle, you need to live more”.

And she’s correct. I have since took the bitterness out of my heart. I know my mother is not coming back physically, and I’m okay with that. She taught me no matter the circumstances, time is always going to go by. It’s all about how you use that time.

I learned it’s best to live while time keeps going. My mother certainly did.