I was compelled to write this piece in response to a question that was asked on the #askrude column here on Unheard Voices on bisexual women.

It was various questions but the main point I gathered was why bisexual women have such a difficult time in the dating world?  I read this story over and over and over, and couldn’t agree less with Rude’s response to the woman who wrote in. I wanted to reaffirm to bisexual women that all lesbians do not think alike.

Her story immediately drew to me. She called herself the “Confused MD.” MD is confused because she doesn’t understand why lesbians prefer not to date bisexuals.

Unfortunately, Rude’s response is a widely held opinion and preference amongst lesbians. And every lesbian you ask will have a different answer as to why they simply won’t date them.

The topic is certainly a conversation that needs to be had. What is so unpleasant about bisexuals that makes lesbians cringe and run away? It’s a very complicated answer with various perspectives. And I will give you my take.

While reading MD’s story I felt the sense of hurt more than confused. From what I could grasp from the #askrude article, she is a doctor completing her residency in Illinois.

That is rigorous and time-consuming in itself, leaving little to no time for a personal life. But it seems MD tried to seek personal solitude when meeting a woman in passing who she called her “chocolate dream”.

Her chocolate dream quickly became a nightmare. The chocolate dream she liked immensely slowly started to remove herself from her existence because she said these dreaded words : I’m bisexual.

The story is interesting: Read The Beginning Here.

Readers don’t worry, I acquired confirmation before I wrote this piece.

Confused MD knows lol. What is the most interesting about this story is when I read it, all I saw was me six years ago.

At the time, I was a bisexual woman trying to navigate my way in a dating world that had a very hard time loving me back.

Men only thought it was the sexual aspect for me, and well women thought I would leave them for a man.

Though I was none of these absurd things they would come up with about my sexual identity, the comments were never-ending and I felt like I could not win. My answers repetitively was I am genuinely attracted to both sexes, no I won’t leave you, and no I’m not loose. But still .. I could not win.

So I understood and felt MD’s pain after reading her candid letter. I understand whole-heartedly what it is to have someone pre judge you based on perceptions before getting to know that I’m a honest, intelligent, non-promiscuous one-woman type of woman. I have been axed over and over and over again.

So I empathetically understand. I knew what it felt like to be denied because of my sexual preference.

Today I am a lesbian, as over the years I’ve realized I no longer have a desire for men. It is a very long and complicated story that maybe I will guest write on in the future.

But the parallel between “MD’s” story and mine is probably even more of a reason why I couldn’t help but to write a piece on the misconceptions about bisexual women and how it ultimately affects their dating life.

Furthermore, I didn’t quite like the response Rude had for MD either.

While I do respect it, I felt like the response was flagrant instead of answering MD’s question. Honestly, I don’t feel the question was even answered.

The Facebook responses, however, probably gave a little reprieve and balance to confused MD that all lesbians are not set up in that way of thinking. You can read Rude’s response here.

MD’s actual question was how does she find balance in a world that doesn’t love her back? First, you need to start by loving and being honest with yourself.

You are a bisexual woman, and even though you may get denied, you must own that part of your identity, and tell whoever you’re potentially dating your sexual preference. Do not be ashamed.

Being bisexual is only a fraction of your identity but it doesn’t define who you are. Let your character speak itself and that will exude to the man or woman you are trying to seek.

The problem with MD was she waited entirely too long to tell this woman she was bisexual. In my comment to her, I told her the situation probably could have been avoided if she was just upfront and honest with the woman from the beginning. MD’s problem was, she wasn’t upfront with her because of this woman’s upsetting response when she was questioned on her take on bisexual women. While she should have just womaned-up and told her that she was bisexual then, she became scared of an outcome that eventually happened anyway. The woman began to distance herself from MD.

My response to MD was simply don’t allow yourself to fall short. You are not worthless regardless of anyone’s preference or perception. Not every lesbian closes the window of opportunity of getting to know a great woman.

I will not tell you the ending of the story. You will have to read it here. But I think to all the hopeless romantics, especially bisexual women in this boat, I think you will like it.

But the point of the whole article was to focus on the misconceptions of bisexual women. There are many perceptions and I’ve heard it all. Some of my lesbian friends will not date bisexuals and we have arguments about it all the time lol. I think it’s absurd, and well, they think it’s absurd I would even consider dating one.

So I have come up with four big misconceptions that people believe about bisexuals and bisexual women and why you should just drop that myth.

1. They are confused

One of the biggest misconceptions of bisexuals is that they are confused. They cannot choose. Bisexuals are usually asked when their phase will end. I know I’ve heard it plenty of times. Or here’s the best one I’ve heard : Are you just saying you’re bisexual because you don’t want to disappoint others around you? Meaning, am I saying I’m bisexual to give those holy rollers hope of the possibility of me getting married to a man? No, no, and NO!

Why you should just drop that myth: Let’s accept that bisexuals are genuinely are attracted to both sexes and for most of them it is beyond the sexual aspect. At the time I was attracted to both men and women, I got butterflies around men and I got butterflies around women. It was NEVER a sexual aspect for me.  When people would say to me how would you know if you like women if you’ve never had sex with them. I would say to them does that mean you don’t know you’re straight until you’ve had sexual intercourse?

2. They cannot stay in a monogamous relationship

This is probably the second biggest misconception about bisexuals, especially bisexual women.  They by far want it all, and cannot be tied to one individual. How scary is it to be with a bisexual woman knowing they might leave you for the next, right?  Wrong! This is by far not the case for all.

Why you should just drop that myth: According to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, the majority of bisexuals in committed relationships are monogamous.  A woman’s sexuality is completely separate from the types of relationships she has. Now, we’re all different. Some lesbians and straight women date around without commitment. But that doesn’t mean others can’t be monogamous!

3. Women thou art loosed

Everything is just purely sexual for them. Nothing more, nothing less. They want their cake and eat it too. Wrong! Just because she is bisexual doesn’t mean she has a slew of sexual partners or enjoys playing the field. Unfortunately, because of this misconception, it’s one of the hardest reasons why bisexuals have a difficult time finding someone to date.

Why you should just drop that myth: Straight men can be loose. Straight women can be loose. Gay men can be loose. Lesbians can be loose. And bisexuals can be loose. Transgenders can be loose. Do you get the point? No generalization here. It is about the person, not the stereotype. If you’ve aimed for her mind and the qualities she possessed, maybe you would have a better outcome. Get to know her and you will quickly realize her agenda. A loose chick is very quick to identify no matter their sexual orientation. Do not fault all bisexual women because you chose to deal with a nasty basic chick.

4. Bisexual women do it to turn on straight guys

Okay granted, please be aware because there are the “sike a” ones out there.  The ones that wouldn’t touch a woman but plays like she does. Or she is the type that will lay on her back (pillow princess) because she likes to be played with, but will never be seen in public with a woman. Most of all, doesn’t want a relationship and yes do it because it turns on guys. Because yes, a lot of men like it when a female tells them they are into women. And these are ones that does it for attention.

Why you should just drop that myth: A true bisexual woman does not do it for the attention. If you encounter a woman who is talking that mess, she is not considered bisexual in my book. She is curious and that is the worse type of woman to date if you’re looking for a serious relationship. A true bisexual woman has no time for games. Like I said before, let her character speak for herself.

At the end of the day, I cannot or you cannot change some lesbians perception on bisexual women. It is their choice to have the opinions they have formed. I personally would not deny my chances of dating a great woman because she’s attracted to both sexes. But that is my choice and everyone is entitled to have choices.

The best advice I can give to a bisexual woman navigating in a dating world is to learn to love yourself to the core. Know who you are and understand how you feel towards both sexes is not a mistake. This way, when rejection happens whether from a man or woman (and it will), you are prepared for the outcome. You will understand that there are barriers and stereotypes you have to break, but loving yourself will help you overcome them. Furthermore, loving yourself to the core will prepare you when the right one comes along.

I will end it like this. If you’re a great woman, your character will break the misconception because it did for Confused MD.