#Unfiltered : My Real Thoughts On Dating While Having a Chronic Illness

Last year I wrote a piece that was featured on The Huffington Post Health Blog about what it’s like to date while you have a chronic illness like lupus. I modified it some and re-posted it here as addition to my new blog. After the article was published I’ve had people ask me to write a part 2. I said to myself, what is a part 2? In my post, I wanted to capture what it’s like to date while you have a chronic illness. I thought I did. But as I read back on my article, I noticed that I kept a lot of parts out. I minced my words and sugarcoated my thoughts in fear that people I have dated or attempted to talk to would feel some type of way about my post. Additionally, I was also writing for outlets such as Unheard Voices, Huffington Post, and Medium, so I knew the angle had to be different. But for here, on my personal blog, I’m going to share with you my true feelings.

So what is it like to date when you have a chronic illness like lupus? SCARED AS HELL. Let me paint the picture for you. I’m 31 years old, single, with no kids. I will soon be finishing my masters in corporate and public communications with plans to obtain a PhD. I have found success in the media field running an online magazine, web development, and public relations but I am still looking for total fulfillment. It is never a dull moment for a Scorpio like myself. We want it all, and that all also means for me spending the rest of my life with my best friend, building the dream and a family.

So where does the actual fear come in? I think I’ve always had this fear. As a young child I was groomed to believe I was ugly because of my dark skin. I was never chosen by the boys in my school. An unfortunate story you’d might hear a young girl dwell about. The story of never feeling good enough. It was sort of like a twilight zone for me, because the adults in my life saw me as a pretty “chocolate girl”. I was asked to model and audition for television bits. I remember overhearing my mother talking to a friend of hers that I would never have a problem finding someone because I was beautiful and intelligent. My mother never knew my struggle to find acceptance with my peers until she one day heard a boy talk about me. That was my fear. My fear was, would I be able to overcome the mental anguish that was instilled in me since I was a kid? The answer to that is yes, but gradually. I have been able to learn how to overcome those struggles and to accept me for who I am.

As I got older and started to date, I realized that people had ALL types of preferences.  I’ve learned in life that I will be someone’s preference and well, I won’t be either. In March of 2014, after being diagnosed, a new fear overcame me. It took until my late 20’s to start learning how to really love my skin color and my weight that fluctuated. Now I had to deal with a chronic illness.

Dating wasn’t the first thing on my mind when I was diagnosed. I was thinking about getting better. But as I was getting better, the dating aspect started to fluster my mind A LOT. I wasn’t blessed like my parents. My parents knew each other since they were kids. They started dating in high school and got married several years after finishing college. My mother, who also had lupus, was blessed to have a man (my father) who cared unconditionally for her. He was faced with her lupus head on when he was only 20 years old. Instead of running away, he stayed with her, married her, until she parted this life in death at 41 years young. I often wish that I would have met someone in high school or even college like my parents, but I know everyone’s story is different.

As the time goes by, I often wonder if I’ll ever find my best friend, my equal. Dating while you have a chronic illness can be hard. Not only because of the pains you may have that may limit you from doing certain things, but you have also have to worry about attitudes. Not everyone is going to be receptive. Not everyone is going to be understanding. And yes, unfortunately some people are extremely shallow.

Most times I don’t tell anyone I’m dating about my illness until I know it’s getting serious. I definitely don’t tell anyone on the first date. One time I had to cancel a date twice which prompted me to tell them I had lupus. I knew that piece of information could be trusted with them. And yeah, they were very receptive to me telling them. No, it didn’t work out between us. I have my various reasons why it didn’t. While I never want to make them feel guilty, the thought of them being scared of my illness always played in my mind. I always think about what goes through the other person’s head. “Will she always be sick to the point she won’t be able to do anything?” “I don’t want to have to care for someone for the rest of my life.”, “Will she hinder the way I want to live my life?”

The most important thing I want people to see while dating me is I’m human. I am loving, caring, understanding, among other things, and will give you a 110% of me as I expect the same. One thing I never want to feel is a burden to someone because I have a chronic illness. Before being diagnosed with lupus, I would often hear that I was a special person and that only a special person could be blessed to have me. I used to laugh at those statements, but now I wholeheartedly understand what they meant as it resonates so much today.

For those who have a chronic illness and are dating, go with pride. Do not be afraid to test the limits. Always have a positive attitude. Like I said at the end of my first post, always make sure you have fun. The right person will gravitate towards you. I always say lupus doesn’t have me, I have lupus. Because at the end of the day, you’re still a person just like anyone else with needs, wants, and a desire to love.And just like lupus, dating life will have its ups and downs.

Yes there are days that I’m scared but I know one day it will all make sense.