My Story on being gay, letting go & being free

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday when I planned to tell my family that I was gay.

There was no script but the preparation to tell them had me going in circles. How can I tell them that their baby girl liked women?

How can I tell my father that the fairy tale of marrying his daughter off to a man will not be lived?

My Story on Being Gay Started Early On

I knew that I liked women for a long time, but tried to extend that period of acting on it for as long as I could. I grew up in a religious household, and while I did believe my parents would accept me for who I was, the thought of telling them always placed an eerie feeling in my gut.

But as I grew older, the hope that I held on for myself and my family, I had to let go. I could no longer lie to myself or them.

Just like many stories you hear, my attraction to women began at an early age. I remember looking at girls differently than I should of in elementary school. But I didn’t quite know or understand those feelings at that age.

When I knew

But when I was 17, I knew for sure that I liked women after a brief encounter.  In the beginning of my senior year, a girl who was a junior, began to befriend me. We started to become cool and one day she said I should come over to chill and hang out.

I wasn’t obliged to it because I always liked making new friends with people I thought connected with me on the same level. So that Friday it was decided that I would go over her house to hang out.

As I started walking to her house, I remember having butterflies in my stomach. I mistook it as nervousness because I was always self-conscious about myself and if people would accept me for who I am.

I only had two good friends in high school and making new friends with just anyone wasn’t happening.

When I finally got to her house, she showed me around the place and then we went to her room. I noticed we were there alone.

Her cousin, brother, and aunt were gone. She told me I could sit on her bed and asked me did I want to watch something.  I thought to myself that this girl was about to put a porn on lol.

I braced myself for a wild fun tape of cheerleaders. She was very passionate and excited about cheering as she talked about the various cheer moves and her friends in the video.

As we were watching the video she locked the door and all of sudden she took her shirt off. I couldn’t but notice the large breasts as they dangled in front of me. My eyes are subconsciously staring.

“Girl, I’m hot aren’t you” she says. Abruptly I say “yes” while gazing in amazement that this girl was half naked in front me. “Could you go behind you and grab me that tank top?” she says.

I grab the tank top. She puts it on, fixes herself, unlocks the door, and sits back on the bed.  And there I felt uncomfortable. A feel good tingle happened between my legs. I knew it was time for me to go. 

I made up a story about having to take my sister to ballet practice and I left. As I was walking home all I could say to myself was the devil got to me.

Religion oh Religion

A big part of my story on being gay is religion.

See, I was raised in the church and being gay was a big no no. Though my church family accepted the gays that were there, I knew better around my mother, father, and oh my sanctified grandmother not to come out.

So while the incident with the girl from high school opened my eyes to the fact I just might be gay, I shut down and started dating men.

I didn’t shut down, I more like denied it. I didn’t want the backlash from my family, the stares from my peers, I wanted to  live my life in peace, and I knew coming out would only ignite the opposite.

So I denied it.

Story on Being Gay : Bisexuality

To my close friends I identified as bi-sexual.  The ones I could really trust with my ‘secret’. I used the term with the men and women I dated/ And to my family, well they only saw the men I would rarely date. I brought the men around so they wouldn’t suspect anything. The dates started to become miserable and there was never any sexual encounters involved.

My dates with women my family never knew about and if they did encounter my ‘female friends’, they were introduced as just that: my friend.

But my interest in men started to slowly fade away.  The dates I went on with men slowly became fantasies of women I met along in passing.

The butterflies for men were no longer there. When that realization started to happen, I knew I was only identifying as “bi” just to make everyone around me happy. Remember that story I wrote on bisexuals? I played the bisexual act for awhile. And I felt well if I ever get caught then I could always tell my family there’s hope.

Holding out hope

But who was I holding onto to hope for? Was it them? So if they ever found out that I liked women, there wouldn’t be total public shame because I gave them ‘hope’ of the possibility of marrying a man’. Or was it for myself?

The hope that maybe just maybe the feelings I had for women would just go away.  I never liked the idea of living a life beyond normalcy. Anything that was controversial, I ran away from.

I knew everyone knowing I liked women would be far from simple. Even though my thinking was complex, at that point in my life I must rather live life of simplicity.

Simplicity meant free from judgement, but I was only denying myself of my true happiness. That was when a friend of mine opened my eyes to letting go and being honest with myself.

The truth of the matter was, no matter how much I tried to date men and the disinterest & stress that went along with it, the fact remained that I liked women.

There was no hiding it anymore. And this life of ‘normalcy’ I was looking for lied right in front of me : that was letting go and being free.

My Story on Being Gay Today : Feeling Free

After that conversation with my friend I decided to tell my family that I was a lesbian. I was 26 at the time.

There was no script, and I didn’t know how my family, in particular my parents and sister would react.  I was prepared for any backlash, and even had a plan if my parents decided to kick me out.

Family support

Ironically, my parents were very receptive, and my younger sister told me she already knew.

A ton of bricks went off my shoulders, because not only the people that I loved the most knew but now I was really able to be free.

When people ask me about coming out to their loved ones, the best advice I can give is being honest with yourself.

I think often times we’re quick to tell a person about themselves, but never want to look in the mirror for who we are. I believe honesty is the best policy. Hiding for me only made the simplicity I was looking for more complex.

Today at almost pushing 30, I feel more happier and free than I’ve ever been. I am learning how to live my life.

Ironically, my younger sister is teaching me how to do that. I know that in life judgement will occur.

No matter what there will be something that someone doesn’t like about you. The happiness I was looking for lied beneath me, and that was just letting go and being honest with myself.

As the years goes by, I know the journey won’t be easy, but I’m glad I’m able to be me.

Thank you for reading my story on being gay.